On the other side of life

It’s difficult to see someone on the negative side of life. And someone you admire and love the most is far more hurting. You might ask how much do I know her? I might not know her for ages but these past few days spoke a lot to me as I went through her writings. I see a camouflage that she uses to hide her soft emotions, which have been hurt and harmed. It’s a shell with which she tries to protect herself. Yes a shell, but the one where there’s no entry for anyone. Not even a ray of light because she prefers to stay in the darkness of loneliness.
For once I spoke to her to know what haunted her and she refused to let me know. But somewhere in our last talk, ya I should say last talk coz after that it was just ‘sweet hi and a depressing bye’, she pointed a thorn that was pierced in her heart and whose poison had reached her mind. I wish I could know every bit of it and could heal her pain but she turned away and started walking in agony. I don’t know what you think of me and I don’t even know if you think of me but all I know is I can’t see you wandering alone helplessly in the darkness. And it’s not because I love you, I don’t love you for your beauty coz someday it will be gone. I worship you for your thoughts, for your understanding and your writings.

How bad i think of you

I want to make you cry,
But with the tears of joy,

I want to keep you in darkness,
In the shadow of my love,

I want to see you falling down,
In the pit of my love,

I want to give you pain,
But the sweet pain of labour,

I love to hear you joke,

Of me departing from your life.

Hope

Again rises the sun over the horizon,
Again it’s the dawn of a new day,
Again arises a hope in my heart,
We’ll be together, someday.

There comes a squeal in my heart,
There pops-up a name in my mind,
There starts the agony of the sweet pain,
‘Our loneliness’, one day we’ll leave it behind.

Give me your past, I’ll hide it somewhere,
Give me your pain, I’ll smile all the way,
Give me your tears, I’ll disappear them,
Your hand in my hand, we’ll walk all the way.

I wonder why we don’t talk,
I wonder why we stay away,
I wonder have I lost you,
Take my life; I don’t want to live this way.

Normal day it seems…

Today a day as normal as any since I met her. Normal it seems. This normal includes thinking nothing at all. I’m a copywriter and people say I get paid for thinking new concepts everyday I step in my office. But now on these normal days I’m dreaming about her. I keep writing about her insanely, after all that’s the only way I can express myself. I might not be a great writer, but who cares; I just want to express myself.
I sit in front of my PC and the first website that I open, no one can guess it. It’s her blog. Why do I read it? Nice question, but sadly I can’t answer it myself. Then I look at my cell phone waiting for a call I know I won’t receive. Then I ask myself why am I being so pessimist? It’s really the biggest question for me coz I don’t think there’s a human as positive and optimistic towards life the way I am. And the only answer to my question is my Restlessness.
Even as I put down these words I find a thousand thoughts running in my head. You will never find me halting at one place. I need to keep moving on coz I feel that if I don’t, I’ll die of suffocation. And with this stupid mind I’m trying to talk to her and what happened was not a surprise.
All I can say for my behaviour is a word called Sorry. But the word is so abused that even if you say it with sincerity, no ones going to believe you. So? What do I do? Another question and this time around I leave it for her to answer. I’ll wait the way I am waiting since I’ve met her.

Awaiting your presence in my life

Now, I’m about to cry,
As the tears roll into my eye,
They glaze into the shimmering light,
And to control them I helplessly fight,
Every drop travels from the eye to the cheek,
Tracing my skin, as I try to speak...

Where are you my angel,
I can’t see you over the running horizon,
As I walk across a sea of dead souls,
In search of a fire that can keep me alive.
At every step I get a stab in my head,
Commanding me to turn away from you,
But my hopeless heart is not ready to give up,
And wants to show how much I love you.

How far have you gone,
I don’t know but the distance won’t matter,
Coz when I call for your name,
It will cross every river and break every block,
The mountains will make way and the valleys will further drop,
Life will be silent and so will the chirping birds,
Every motion will halt and I swear you will hear,
Even god won’t let me down coz it’s a call from the heart.

Our Misunderstanding…

I’m knocking on your door,
But you give me a deaf ear,
You always misunderstand,
My love and care.
We rarely talk,
And when we talk, we fight,
I don’t know how it happens,
But nothing goes right.
I must have met a million people,
And spoken with at least with a lakh of them,
But with none I ever misbehaved,
And nobody gave me an “Egoistic” fame.
I don’t wanna hurt you,
Coz I don’t wanna cry,
Please don’t mistake me,
I’m not a nerd or dry.
I wish you were watching me,
As every moment passed by,
Your eyes will be filled with tears,

As you see my love for you in your eyes.

In Despair

It’s killing me,
Lady the wait is killing me,
It’s your silence,
In my brain it’s a cause of violence,
I’m standing on a cliff,
And my legs are frozen stiff,
I can’t jump down in heaven,
I don’t want to walk back to hell,
And your answer is the potion,
That can get me back into motion,
I’m shouting with my lungs open,
Coz I can’t see my heart broken,
But I ask for an answer,
To a question you cannot forget,
I promise I’ll never get a tear in your eye,
And with me I swear you’ll never regret.

These words came in desperation,
As I could not control my emotion,
Laugh or make fun of me if you want,
Ask me to live a day without you “I cant”.

My Helpless Hand

A paper and pen in my hand,
I tried to make your scribble,
I worked on it for hours non-stop,
With your image in my mind,
My efforts in vain and only thing I could trace,
How can I portray such a beautiful face?
The short black curls,
Like waves of the ocean,
Who pride an endless fame,
Tell me how can I capture them?
Your forehead, how can I describe it?
I just imagine placing a kiss on it.
Your eyes, the most talkative ones,
Sometimes naughty, at times angry,
Always observing, always questioning,
I wish I could draw them,
But to be frank, I won’t like to share them.
Finally come those lips,
Pink, soft, calling, whispering…
I’m short of words to describe them,
Tell me how can I show it in my drawing,
Don’t think I forgot your nose,
I didn’t want to talk coz in no one’s life it ever poke.

Another 2-3 Months To Go

I got up this morning rubbing my eyes,
I look at the clock, ‘I’m already late’, I say that.
Then as my hand moves below my pillow
My heart hopes and my lips pray, god will it be her.
As my hand brings out my cell phone, it’s disappointment as usual.
And to console my soul, I say, it’s another 2-3 months to go.

I get ready for work and hop on to ride
The music in my ears blast along with throttle of my bike,
I ride along the congested road, watching every pothole,
My head turns left as your lane approach,
And I bang into a car like I just don’t care.
I look around I don’t see your face
And to console my soul, I say, it’s another 2-3 months to go.

I am working on my computer, on a project that got delayed,
I am trying so hard but I just cannot concentrate.
The monitor starts flickering and my eyes stick on to it.
I know my cell phone is about to ring and I just pray who’s it going to be.
And as usual disappointment falls upon to me.
Baby I am waiting my heart cries it out,
And to console my soul, I say, it’s another 2-3 months to go.

Night falls upon to me and now I am about to cry,
I look at myself in the mirror and a question comes to my mind,
Does she even give it a thought or it’s just me in despair?
I laugh at myself; it is all I can do,

And to console my soul, I say, it’s another 2-3 months to go.

You Remember…

When evening falls upon to me
My eyes start searching you,
Because this was the time,
When I really met you.

The sky turns orangish-blue,
And the wind blows through you short hair,
I see it from the corner of my eye,
And you say ‘Don’t give me that stair’.

The sea starts swelling up,
Upon the rocks the waves collide,
I tell her how nice I feel to meet her this way,
And she said ‘ Make an eye contact when you talk, don’t avoid’.

I see lovers around me,
Trying to get some time alone,
And as I brush my hair with my hands,
She says ‘Gaurav, you need to have a haircut, go to the salon’.

I remember everything lady,
I remember every word,
I have completely fallen for you lady,
But wants to fly you away from this world like a bird.

Stop thinking of you

Stop thinking of you,
My stern mind tells my heart,
But look, even while doing so,
I can’t find a better way to start,
The topic of missing you,
Without thinking about you,
And how would I do that,
Is there a way to live without a soul,
It’s like asking a virgin to loose her control.

Stop thinking of you,
A begging call comes to my heart,
The uncertainty of the moment,
Makes my heart ask a question,
Why should I do that?
The caller says I’m the mind,
I can’t manage you with all your pain,
I can’t see you crying all the way,
And my innocent heart asked him a question,
How will you survive if I stop my function?

Stop thinking of you,
It’s a voice in distress of my mind,
‘You know not what’s wrong with you,’
It’s the confession my mind makes to the heart,
And my heart simply replies,
Even if I ever try to forget her,
Her memories with you,
Will tear you apart.

My love for u

This is something I never thought I would do in my life. Me writing about someone. It’s really very surprising. I am just expressing myself, my heart and my soul. A couple of years back I had a broken heart and I tried to live with it. I tried to make myself so tied up that I didn’t even want to look at my folks. But then this is like a jolt that woke me from my trance of work, to look up and stare at someone in the eyes. And I enjoyed.
And from today onwards, I promised myself that I’ll write something for her everyday. I want to let her know how I feel for her. I don’t know what she thinks about me but just want to let her know what I feel for her.

I know not what I talk,
I know not what I utter,
Coz I am in a trance,
And it’s taking me high,
And there’s music of a kind,
Which only I understand,
Laugh at me or ignore if you want,

But you are the music that I wanna flaunt.

Life after the dark

As I woke up this morning I could see the sunrays falling on to my eyes, trying to pierce through my closed eyelids like a solider trying to break in to a stubborn door. But this time around the door opened without a slightest resistance. I felt as if I was absolutely waiting for this moment. And, I surrendered. A moment of joy and happiness after a stormy night. Yes! A stormy night I should say even though this night overstayed many restless days and nights. Don’t ask me, because I won’t be able to explain this storm. As I lay in my bed trying to sink in this feeling I could see my loved ones strolling around me. Making me feel their presence, giving comfort. I knew how much I needed them beside me.

Hi,
I'm Gaurav,
The best way i ever described myself "My soul searches for nirvana and me lost in transition" and from this definition i derived the word Deadsaint.