Silence

My silence, I don’t know what it for is. Do I have no words? Or do I fear it might hurt you? I guess I just don’t know. I feel like something’s holding back my hand from scribbling or even typing these simple words, which when arranged together can make or break a heart. I still don’t know what has happened in my case. I guess I am standing at crossroads with just two directions, either I walk with you and the other…I just cannot imagine.

Today I got a surprise. My friend called me and while we were talking she questioned me, “how’s she?” and silence hit me. Just to calm down my nerves, I asked “who?” and she said “the same girl who writes her heart out, according to you”. And hopelessly I reply “I don’t know”. I should have had the courtesy to at least call you once and ask “how are you”. But look at me, as usual, a selfish soul, just day dreaming about we being together without even knowing what’s in you mind.

Where do we go from here? I guess I need to be more practical and come back to this real world. But it’s my soul who simply and hopelessly refuses to look at even a picture of this world where he does not find you. Sometimes I feel he is absolutely wrong and every other time I tell myself why should he not think of you. The worst to happen is you never ever will be mine, but if I don’t think of you I never ever will be myself. Yes, myself, which I saw in your eyes.

I always try to live life on my own terms, never looking back, just moving ahead. But then wouldn’t I also be joining the rat race of this world? No I don’t want to be like someone or belong to the crowd. I am different and so are you. It’s this thing of yours that pulls me in your direction. Even then I can’t walk to you without you stretching out your hand for me. I’ll wait, I wait for you.

The unexpected

Has the struggle got over? Has the pain of departing subsided? Why my hands couldn’t even touch her soul? Has the colour of love turned pale in the scorching heat of loneliness and hatred? I still find a soul walking on the streets of loneliness waiting for you to hold its hand. I know nothing.

Today I feel worst than a beggar. Today I feel forsaken by the sole object I depended on to escort me to my transience, my words. And as I speak to you I feel a pain with every single word I utter. Wasn’t I supposed to be the one to craft them the way I wished? I treated them as a weapon to protect myself, as a sheet of affection to cover my loved ones, as a draft to convey my opinions and as prayers to offer to the almighty. Then why they abandoned me when I needed them the most, when I tried to pour out my feelings for you. I wonder if they even brought a smile on your face.

Today I would build no bridges of praise to reach you neither would I spit a venom, which I would rather swallow myself. Today I stand naked, stripped of my only ability, in front of you. The shame will soon bring the last of my breath but the pain of losing you won’t let me survive till then.

My efforts won’t give up and the pain won’t subside but a there would be a scar left to blemish my face.

Will they ever meet or live lonely like us forever?

What a friend…

I’m sitting in my chair in the office writing about myself, about my talks with my only true friend. And I wonder, though my only friend how could I hide anything from her. She knows every aspect of my life, every mess I create for myself. Yes mess I should be saying coz that is all I did all my life. She knows me in & out. Yesterday I met her after a long time when she returned from her college in Pune. As we met her usual complains continued from where she had stopped last time. And as we strolled on the pavements of Hiranandani she questioned me ‘who is she?’. I looked at her and I saw myself smiling in her eyes. She simply said ‘don’t avoid the question tell me’. And as we continued our walk I told her about you and to my surprise for the first time I ever heard her telling me ‘you seem to be too involved in her’. I smile again coz I have no answer to it. I couldn’t resist myself talking to her about you. At end of our talk she just told me ‘opposites attract only for sex, but it’s always the similar minds that stay together for life’. This time I laughed but on my own self.